


I'm Just Cooking Pizza

by evlpunky



Category: Homestar Runner
Genre: Gen, Minor Original Character(s), The Pizz makes a comeback, bad service, i wrote this a while back and with no planning, implied spooky stuff, like i made one just bc i couldnt think of a way to put a canon one in this situation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-30 00:31:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15085121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evlpunky/pseuds/evlpunky
Summary: Strong Bad's working at The Pizz when he wonders about the true nature of the renewed pizza joint.





	I'm Just Cooking Pizza

Strong Bad can't believe he's working at a pizza joint delivery again. Not just that; he can't believe that he's working as an employee now that the rights got bought off of him. When he made the decision to sell The Pizz he didn't think much of it. Then again, during the time, his business was failing, and he didn't have to pay off a debt left after his last computer-related explosion.

Getting a job here was like a trip down memory lane he didn't want in on, but, hey, the pay would be halfway decent and at least he would be able to score free pizza out of it, right? 

Wrong. After sneaking himself too many slices, and a trip to scold city, he ended up being a cashier; having to deal with crappy customers and phone calls, while everyone else gets all the good jobs. 

And if that weren't the the worst part, he'd have to spend time with Homestar freakin’ Runner. Was this guy serious? Walking around in the dumb uniform and wig as he tried to pester him at work?

Who was working the ovens anyway? He’s never seen anyone else working in the dang store. Strong Bad has never seen anyone else walk in or out of those doors either. It’s a mystery that the place is still running when there didn’t seem to be anyone else working there. The only hint Strong Bad knew he had a boss at this point was the previous scolding.

The phone rang, and as he held up the phone to his face, he readied his glove with a pen. He wrote down an order of p-roni and had it sent to some mystery employee, then propped himself up against the counter.

“That's really not good for your posture, y’know.” Homestar said, seemly materializing from the other side of the counter.

Strong Bad sent a glare his way, “Don't care.”

“You will when you're complaining about your back.” Strong Bad psshh’d as he straightened up.

“There. Happy?” 

“Yeah. A little.”

“Good. Maybe then you can leave me alone.”

“That's not likely.” 

Strong Bad groaned. “How come?”

“Well,” Homestar lowered his voice as if someone was eavesdropping, “you know how Jessica broke the good oven again?”

“No.” Strong Bad didn’t even know a Jessica.

“Oh, well, she messed it up real bad and now they’re using the one that takes longer to make pizza.” Homestar continued.

“So hold on. You said ‘Jessica’ broke the oven? Who the crap is that?” Strong Bad asked, half to humor Homestar- half to figure out who Jessica was and if he could have her number.

“You know. Blonde. Kinda tall-ish. Chugs energy drinks in the break room.”

“ I thought we were the only ones working here.”

“Maybe. Anyway, I can’t make my deliveries until the pizza is finished.” Homestar said. Strong Bad looked at him in disapproval.

“So you have nothing better to do than bug me?” Strong Bad frowned.

“Can’t think of a better way to spend my time than with my good pal, Strong and Bad.” Homestar smiled. Strong Bad held back a bitter laugh. 

“Figures I’d get stuck with you. Y’know before all this I was thinking of sneaking into the bathroom to play tetris. Thanks a lot, dork.”

“What’s keeping you? Other than orders to stay at the register?” Homestar blinked at him.

“You’d follow me in.” Homestar had a blank expression. Strong Bad explained further “ Guys don’t go to the bathroom together.” 

A brief moment of silenced passed.

“When’s that pizza going to get done?” Strong Bad looked at his wrist despite not wearing a watch.

“I don’t know, man, like I said they’re using the slower oven.”

“Why does a food delivery place that depends on getting there within 30 minutes have a slow oven?” Strong Bad questioned.

“How would I know? I’m only here to deliver.” Homestar answered, also starting to get impatient. “This is bad service, dog, I got 15 minutes to get there and the pizza’s not done yet.”

Before another word was spoken, a pizza box slid into the room through a door. Homestar opened the box to find a pepperoni pizza ready to deliver. Homestar bolted out the room.

He could hear a “See ya later, SB!” as Homestar left. 

Finding himself alone again, Strong Bad wondered about where the pizza originated from. Obviously, behind the door leading to the kitchen, but who is in there? 

Strong Bad looked at the door leading outside. Yep, Homestar was gone. He is alone now, probably. Then he looked at the door to the kitchen. It was plain other than a small window too high for him to look through without getting on top of something. He felt some sort of eerie vibe coming from that direction. He focused back at his station; the register. Nothing about its appearance screamed ‘unnatural’. He looked back at the door.

Suddenly, he felt more superstitious than normal, as possibilities filled his head. Free Country wasn’t exactly normal. Anyone who visited long enough to find the Blubb-O’s drive-thru speaker, been mini-golfing, or even speak to some the residents would get that. Therefore, some magical force supplying The Pizz with pizza shouldn’t be that much of a stretch. It would be normal. It’s completely possible, and not just Strong Bad’s overactive imagination. Totally.

He wondered of the pros and cons of snooping around or his prior engagement of playing video games to avoid work. It’s not like he's afraid of going back there or anything. 

He previously thought that video games was going to win, but now curiosity and the need to prove himself was taking the lead.

First, he climbed on top of the counter, health rules be darned, to try to see if he could see anything through the window. He was tall enough but the angle he had to look at in his position didn’t do much for him. He got down. Then, he inched away from his area slowly. He put his hand on the door knob and eased it so it wouldn’t make a sound. Each passing second filled him with the feeling that someone's eyes were trained on his every movement.

“Hey, Strong Bad!”

Strong Bad jumped. 

“Shouldn’t you be delivering pizza?” He whisper-yelled.  
“I did. Turns out the house was only 5 minutes away from here. Weird, huh?” Homestar said in a normal volume that lowered as he leaned closer to Strong Bad. “So whatcha doing?”

Strong Bad removed his hand from the door. “Uh, nothing much.”

“Looks to me like you were invest-ee-gating the kitchen.” Homestar said, exaggeratedly looking back and forth between Strong Bad and the door.

“Well, look, doesn’t it seem weird that we’re the only ones working here?” Strong Bad asked.

Homestar looked at him in confusion “What about Jessica?”

“I’ve never seen a Jessica, and a part of me thinks there isn’t one.” Strong Bad spoke quietly, just so Homestar would be the only one to hear. He could not shake the feeling of being watched. Probably, because of the security cameras, or possibly something more sinister. 

“Well,” Homestar opened the door, “there’s only one way to know for sure.”

Strong Bad looked onward as Homestar casually walked in the hallway. Not wanting to be outdone in a show of bravery, he followed. Things looked dull because the walls were a clean white with little indication that people used the area. The only thing hanging on the wall was a framed picture of the establishment from 1987. Where did they get that picture anyway? The Pizz has only been around about ten-ish years ago. It's at most a middle-schooler.

When they got to the kitchen there was a great shift in appearance. A vat of coagulated sauce was splattered all over one of the walls. The two walked inside hearing the sound of their sticky heels peel off the floor. The tiled floor was blemished with drops of that same crusty sauce on the ground. Various pizza cutters and stirring utensils cluttered in an almost unrecognizable abomination pulsating with low movement. 

One of the pizza slicers dropped to the floor. Strong Bad definitely did not jump as a roach escaped the pile. Any space not covered with unwashed utensils was adorned in a layer flour and dough. One oven had a pizza in the process of being cooked, and the other had smoke coming out of it. Though there were signs that somebody was here, it remained empty. Well, except for the roaches, of course. Strong Bad made a mental note not to order anything from here ever again. 

“That’s weird. Jessica should be in here.” Homestar said mainly to himself.

“I still think you’re making her up.” Strong Bad said. After looking around a bit they walked out of the room. However, at the other end of the hallway was a figure; Tall, bulky, no visible mouth, and round eyes that did not gleam.

Strong Bad screamed.

The figured jumped back. Homestar looked at the scene.

“Hey, Jessica!” He greeted. Strong Bad looked at his snooping companion. Realization of the situation flooded into his mind. 

He looked back at Jessica and took in her appearance. She had short, disheveled hair, and broad shoulders. In fact, she looked kinda like an upside down triangle. Her apron was dirty and stained, likely with the same sauce found in the kitchen, unless she took up serial killing as a part time job. She looked back at the two, tired. Without saying a word, she walked past them back to work.

“Must have been on break.” Homestar nodded at his conclusion.

“I’ve been at the register all day. When could she have walked pass without me noticing?” Strong Bad interjected.

“Well maybe you should pay more attention.” Homestar said. Unsatisfied with the answer, Strong Bad grumbled to himself as he walked through the door.

Left behind, Homestar went back to check on Jessica. No one was in the room. He must have just missed her.

**Author's Note:**

> Like I said in the tags, i went in with no plans about what was going to happen in this. I was originally was going be more ship-y about it, but as the "horror" aspects came in it felt out of place. I hope you enjoyed this!!


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